


crisis of conscience

by LightningRooks



Series: the life cycle of a bond unit [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Breastfeeding, F/F, F/M, M/M, Needles, No Deeprealms, accidentally, also brady in fates au!!, and have a firm grasp of morals and other stuff, flora/camilla is only vaguely implied, hey we can't all pop out of the ground, kana was raised in the deeprealms, like its not weird she's literally just feeding her baby, or rather no deeprealms ANYMORE, this is basically lavender realizing she's killed people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 09:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10241801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightningRooks/pseuds/LightningRooks
Summary: lavender comes to a startling realization- one she probably should have had much sooner. as she struggles with the morality of her actions, she tries to get answers from her comrades and learns a thing or two about them.





	

nyx stands in front of you, tracing the tattoo on your face with a sharp nail. she seems perpetually grumpy for someone who appears so young- you know she’s older than she looks, but it can still be a bit disorienting. 

she had asked your mother and you if she could study you so she could better understand what makes you tick. you agreed, because it seemed like the polite thing to do. 

you stare at the tiny woman as she turns around and scribbles down notes, analyzing her. she has the body of a child, but it would seem to be only in appearance, considering-

“waaaaah!” percy wails in his crib, and you can see his tiny hands wave and shake as he reached out for his mother. nyx sighs and sets down her quill, walking over to console her child. you watch curiously as she holds the baby, shushing it. 

she turns to you, percy wailing in her arms. “do you mind if i feed him? he gets cranky when he’s hungry,” she says, sitting on the table next to you. 

you shake your head, and nyx unbuttons the blouse she’s wearing enough for percy to latch onto her breast. you look away, because it’s rude to stare at a woman’s chest, and instead examine the charts and symbols tacked to the walls. nyx’s study is very cluttered, you note. 

you sit there in silence until speaks up. “i never thought i’d want this,” she says softly. you tilt your head as you turn to look at her.

“having a baby, it...i didn’t know if i could have a child,” she says. “and when i was pregnant? i was terrified.” 

you have a feeling that she hasn’t spoken to anyone about this, not even arthur. your hands remain at your side, waiting for her to continue.

“there were so many things that could have gone wrong. the curse could have affected him too, my body might not have been able to handle it...and the pregnancy itself…” nyx laughs bitterly. “the other women here tell me that being pregnant was the best thing that happened to them, that they loved how it made them feel...sometimes it felt like they were lying. i hated the way it made me feel. i hated feeling out of control of my own body.” 

there is a silence as you absorb this. you whistle softly to get her attention, and then sign, “but was it worth it in the end?” 

nyx sighs, and a soft smile finds its way onto her face. she looks down at her son and nods. “yes, it was. arthur is such a good father- you should have seen him when he held percy for the first time. of course, we had to have at least four other people around him to catch percy in case arthur’s terrible luck chose then to strike, but…”

you laugh- or rather you wheeze, but your shaking shoulders and grin tell nyx that you are laughing, and she lets out a laugh too. percy yawns as he finishes eating, and his tiny fists rub at his eyes. nyx hops off the table, and lays percy back down in his crib. there’s a tenderness in her eyes that you don’t see from her often. she buttons her blouse and you wait until she turns back to you to start signing again.

“are you studying me to see if the magic in the astral plane can help you break your curse?” you ask. 

nyx nods. “that’s right. if the magic here can create an entire person out dirt, then perhaps it could help me... at the very least see what i look like.” 

“i hope i can help,” you sign as she pulls a syringe out of a drawer. 

“i’m just going to take a small bit of your blood- to see if it’s like normal human blood. is that alright?” she asks, and you nod. as she searches for a vein, you continue signing though your movements are restricted. 

“how did you get cursed?” you ask her, and she pauses. 

“i killed a lot of people- did a lot of bad things.” she says plainly, and you frown.

“why?” you ask. if simply killing people had gotten her cursed, then you could think of several people who should be cursed as well. 

“because i could. i was young, and selfish, and immensely powerful,” nyx says, bitterness in her voice. “in the arrogance of youth, i cast a spell that came at far too high of a cost- many innocent people were killed, and...i was frozen in time.” 

your hands were still for a moment. then you ask, “did you regret it?”

nyx gives you a harsh look. “of course i did. i still do.”

you pause again before asking, “if you had not been cursed, would you have regretted it?”

nyx is silent. “i would hope so,” she says eventually. you’re not sure how to feel about this.

she finally finds a vein, and presses the needle to your skin. she tells you, “i’ve...never told anyone how frightening pregnancy was for me- nor how much i hated being pregnant...i trust you’ll keep this between us?” 

you nod, wincing as the needle pierces your skin, though it strikes you as odd that her feelings on pregnancy are what she’s afraid you’ll talk about, and not the murders she’s committed.

* * *

 

“rose wanted me to show ya the ropes, huh?” bradley says as you follow him in the infirmary. he looks over his shoulder as you nod.

“she wants me to reclass into adventurer,” you sign. you’re just fine being a sniper, but your mother thinks it’ll be a good idea, and she needs the extra staff users right now. the nearly full infirmary hammers that home. 

“well, let’s getcha hooked up with a basic staff. this is a heal staff- not too powerful, but it gets the job done in a pinch,” he says, handing you a staff. you examine it- the ornate metal top holds a dazzling crystal, and despite it being fairly common, you can’t help but note…

“it’s pretty,” you sign, sticking the staff under one arm to free up both hands to talk with. bradley’s face, which is usually in a permanent scowl, brightens, and he even laughs.

“yeah, i guess it is,” he says, and he looks years younger when he smiles. “c’mon, we’ve got patients waitin’ for us.” 

bradley does a lot of the work, healing the injured foot soldiers while explaining to you what he’s doing. he’s a surprisingly good teacher- you shouldn’t be so surprised though, considering he’s the one who taught elise how to heal. you focus on his words, and try ignore the strange feeling rising in your chest.

it’s only when you get to the more stable patients, the ones whose injuries aren’t that severe, that bradley allows you to try out what you’ve learned. the wyvern rider with wound from an arrow looks at you expectantly, and you put the staff out in front of you, trying to visualize the skin knitting back together. you notice only then that your hands are trembling- your whole body is trembling.

why are you trembling? everything around you fades until it's just you and the wyvern rider, who seems to look concerned now. the wound in their shoulder- it has been cleaned and the bleeding has stopped but it looks so gruesome and you wonder if all arrow wounds look like this.

you can’t do this. you really, really, can’t do this. you clutch the staff close to you, wheezing and frozen, and it’s only now that you recognize the strange feelings. dread, panic and most of all  _ regret _ , but...you don’t know why. you didn’t shoot this woman. but, you realize with a start, you have shot many people like her. and they were just as human as the woman in front of you.

“hey, kid, don’t worry about it,” bradley says, trying to comfort you. “this stuff’s hard at first-”

you turn around and run past him. you need some fresh air. that will make you feel better, right? you burst through the door, running until you reach the berry bushes. the evening air is cool, but you’re still panicking. you’ve hurt people like that wyvern rider before. you’ve killed people like that wyvern rider before. why is it only just now sinking in?! 

your vision gets blurry as you start to cry, and sobs rack your body. you’ve killed people. you’ve taken away people’s lives before and the fact that you didn’t really care until just now- the fact that you didn’t put two and two together  _ frightens you. _

“lavender!” bradley says, having followed you out of the infirmary. “what’s wrong? ya just ran out ‘n...lavender?” 

he places a hand on your shoulder and you turn around, shoulders shaking as you cry. 

“aw, c’mon kid, don’t cry,” he says, eyes growing misty. “if you cry, then i’m gonna start cryin’...what’s wrong?”

with shaking hands, you sign. “i’ve hurt people like that before. i’ve shot people- killed people and i...i didn’t even realize it. i didn’t even care.” 

“aw geez,” he says, tears already streaming down his face. “that’s a pretty heavy realization to have. but...we’re in the middle of a war, kid. killin’ and hurtin’...that’s kinda what war’s all about. no one blames you for just...doing the job of a soldier.” 

this doesn’t make you feel any better. you just feel confused.

* * *

 

you talk to beruka first. 

“i kill because people pay me to,” she says simply. 

“but...don’t you feel remorse?” you ask. she shakes her head. 

“i don’t feel anything,” beruka says. “feeling remorse would only get in the way anyway.”

perhaps talking to beruka first was not a good idea.

* * *

 

you talk to leo, who promptly directs you to camilla. you’re not sure why he does this, but her view on it is...different.

“i kill to keep my family safe,” camilla explains as she sharpens her axe. “my family will always be in danger- that is the nature of being royalty- and so i will kill anyone who tries to do my family harm.” 

“what about shura?” you sign, knowing the story of how your mother gave him a second chance.

camilla lips quirk into a frown. “that was rose’s decision,” she says, a tone in her voice that spoke volumes of what she thought of that decision.

“what about flora?” you sign, and camilla pauses, blushing. 

“t-that’s different,” she says. 

you’re not sure how it’s different, or why camilla is blushing, but you think over what she’s said.

“is it justified? if you kill to protect others?” you ask. she shrugs. 

“perhaps. if it’s justification that you’re looking for, then you should speak to xander. i know he’s struggled with these thoughts before,” camilla says, not unkindly. 

“...why don’t you struggle with these thoughts?” you ask her. she gives a wry smile. 

“you’re a curious little thing, aren’t you?” she asks. you simply shrug and the smile fades from her face. you find that even when her grin borders on threatening, you like it better than the sad look on her face. “when i was young, i was used as a weapon by my mother against my other siblings. it was a dog eat dog world back then- i either killed them, or i’d risk being killed myself. heavens knows they tried.”

your eyes are wide as you absorb this new information. “you mean...there was more than just the five of you?” you sign. 

camilla laughs, but it’s a harsh and bitter sound. “sweetheart, there was nearly thirty of us. by the time the concubine wars died down...there was just the four of us.” 

you wonder how camilla could go from killing her siblings to loving them and protecting them as fiercely as she does now.

* * *

 

xander lectures you on one’s duty to their kingdom, and how nohr needs hoshido’s farmlands because of the intense famine. you bring up the astral plane- the soil is fertile here, and since no one lives here, it could be used without bloodshed. this gives xander pause- he then says that it’s useless, and that the war has passed the point of no return. 

you get the feeling that he feels trapped. 

you’re still not satisfied by these answers. you start asking around camp. 

“why do you kill?” you ask.

“because it’s better to be a killer than dead,” niles answers.

“because i want to protect lady elise,” effie says. 

“because lady rose asks it of me,” jakob replies. 

“because it is all i am good at,” felicia says guiltily. 

you don’t ask peri. you have a feeling her answer would only frighten you.

none of these bring you the peace of mind you’re looking for. none of them make you feel better about those you have killed, or those you may kill as a member of your mother’s army.

* * *

 

odin finds you a few days after your conversation with xander.

“hold, daughter of stardust and soil!” he shouts behind you, making you jump. you turn around to see the self proclaimed scion of legend running up to you. you tilt your head, curious as to why he stopped you.

“my beloved bradley tells me that you are having a crisis of conscience, and that you will need the guidance of a more experienced hero during this troubling time,” he says, and his theatrics remind you of izana just a little bit. you briefly wonder if they’re friends.

“i have killed people before, and i will be asked to do so again. everyone i speak to has a reason for their actions, but i’m not sure if they’re good reasons. i don’t know what my own reasons are- i killed...because i was asked to fight. but it didn’t really sink in until that day in the infirmary with your husband that i had killed people. i...feel terrible,” you sign, and odin nods. 

“while i cannot relate to your delayed reaction, i do understand the regret you feel,” odin says, his grandiose persona fading. “i remember the first time i killed someone. i had a cause that i was fighting for, and i believed in it with all my heart...but taking another’s life? i was awake for days after.” 

“you were?” you ask. 

“indeed i was. it still sometimes haunts me,” odin says, his eyes uncharacteristically sad. 

“how do you...how do you continue to fight with that regret?” you ask, eyes pleading. you want an answer. you want something to ease this guilt. 

“i keep fighting because i have a cause worth fighting for,” odin says, putting his hand on your shoulder. 

“conquering hoshido?” you sign skeptically. he shakes his head.

“no. i’ve got another reason,” he says. 

“...are you going to elaborate on that?” you sign, and he shakes his head again.

“no. but i’ll tell you this- the guilt makes you human. it keeps you from becoming a monster. but if you find a cause to believe in, a cause worth fighting for...it might make it easier to carry that guilt,” odin says, giving you a small smile.

* * *

 

finding a cause to believe in was harder than odin made it sound. you felt no loyalty to nohr- you were born in the astral plane, and you had been born after the invasion of hoshido. you’d never even  _ seen _ nohr. you felt even less loyalty to the king of nohr, garon. everything you’d heard about him made him seem like a terrible person, let alone a king. 

loyalty to your mother, then? you were loyal to her, of course, but would you kill for her? what would you contribute to the army if you did not fight? there were, of course, several members of your mother’s army who stayed behind when the others went out to battle. mozu, who was still in training, tended to the field on the astral plane. elise, who preferred to stay and heal the injured rather than fight. gunter, who your mother had quietly sidelined because of his age, was on babysitting duty- after what happened to kana, all the army’s children stayed in the astral plane. and finally kana himself, who helped out wherever he could. if he ever felt bitter about his childhood, he didn’t show it.

you could stay there too- figure out some place for yourself here. you decide that it’s best to finally talk to your mother about this, but when you enter your room, you find her hunched over her table, working on battle plans. 

you whistle, and your mother jumps slightly. she turns around, and her eyes are red- well, more red than they usually are. has she been crying? 

“ahh,” she says, a weak smile on her face. her voice sounds...strange. “lavender, it’s good to see you.”

“what’s wrong, mother?” you sign. she shakes her head.

“i just...can’t wait for this all to be over,” she says, smiling even though she’s clearly not okay. “but i’ll be fine. bradley told me you had a rough time in the infirmary- if you can’t wield a staff that’s fine. i’ll just...figure something else out. i could have niles reclass into an adventurer…”

your mother continues talking to herself, but you realize...yes. you would fight for your mother. you would kill for her. this war will not stop simply because you don’t understand it, but you can end it faster. you whistle again, and she turns back around, having gone back to her battle plans.

“i’ll do it,” you sign, steeling your resolve. “i’ll learn how to use a staff.”

“are you sure? if you can’t do it, that’s fine,” she says. 

you shake your head. “i can do it.”

your mother smiles, full of relief. “thank you, lavender.”

* * *

 

the next time you are in battle, you don’t hesitate. if conquering hoshido is the only way to end this, then it would be better to do it swiftly. if killing will make the war end faster, then you’ll do it. the guilt doesn’t go away, but it is easier to carry. 

**Author's Note:**

> this kinda took on a life of its own- i meant to have this fic be about lavender becoming the "secret keeper" of the army, but halfway through the bit with brady, it became about lavender realizing the weight of what she's done, and coming to terms with that.   
> in this verse, kana is the only child who was raised in the deeprealms- no one realized how fast time went in the deeprealms, and during the sea invasion, they were away from kana's deeprealm for two months. in that time he'd aged 10 years. it's something rose and izana feel extremely guilty about. 
> 
> anyway, please leave a kudos or a comment! you can find me @lightningrooks on tumblr if you'd like to chat!


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